Is People Pleasing Toxic?

17 Apr Is People Pleasing Toxic?

Growing up it’s common in many families to value being ‘kind’ to people. You might go out of your way to do things for others, based on what you assume they want or need. You give up your time and energy to get them to like you.

But does too much kindness make you a people pleaser? And does people pleasing mean you are good in your social skills, or can it become toxic? When you sacrifice your own priorities to please someone else, you are at a risk of losing awareness of your own emotional needs, neglect self-care and risk building up resentment & frustration.

In schema therapy, this pattern of functioning is known as approval seeking. It refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self.

People pleasing with Narcissists: Narcissists think of themselves first and very little of others; people pleasers think of others and very little of themselves. They feel a natural high from feeling needed and makes them feel good about being a selfless person. They seek admiration like narcissists, but from a place of satisfying others and seeking their approval. People pleasers may develop co-dependent dynamics with narcissists, to satisfy their underlying unmet need for praise and validation.

So, what are the risks if you often people please?

People pleasing limits you from being your authentic self. When are you are not fully yourself, you are less likely to experience deeper meaningful relationships and would feel restricted in your overall emotional expression & freedom. You always feel burdened to say “YES” to someone; exhausted at being nice all the time. You are constantly worried about displeasing others and the impact of that on your social image.

You find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, do not assert yourself when needed and your Self-worth strongly depends on how others see you. Receiving praise becomes fundamental to your self-esteem, and this image dependent on external validation becomes your view of your self. You lose touch with your views and opinions and what matters to you in life. The bigger loss is, you feel more and more disconnected from who you truly are, and how you would like to lead your life. Developmentally, people pleasing restricts your personal growth and ability to form healthy reciprocal relationships.

In therapy, you will develop more insight and courage to step back from people pleasing. Developing efficient interpersonal skills to communicate boundaries and redefining your self esteem based on your core values will help you become a healthier version of adult self. We all carry many parts of our self; working through unhelpful parts like ‘people pleasing’ will allow you to live life more whole-heartedly with self-compassion and self-respect.

To book an appointment with Anasua Chakrabarti (Psychologist & Psychotherapist at Innerwest Sydney), email on anasuapsychologypractice@gmail.com